Animated Atrocities 45/Transcript
Some viewers may find this disturbing. Viewer discretion is advised. [Clips of "A Pal for Gary", "Pet Sitter Pat", "Seahorse Seashell Party", and "1 Night in Gottlieb"] Mr. Enter: 'It can ''always get worse. I keep telling myself this, but it never seem to sink in. Every time I found a new bottom of the barrel, I think that there's no worse that people could do. of Breadwinners And it's no different here. It can't get any worse! It, it just can't! But you probably don't know what I'm talking about. I mean, Nickelodeon has made plenty of stupid decisions that hacked out their viewership left and right. of "One Coarse Meal"... Maybe by something that SpongeBob did, a picture of the poster for... maybe it was that piece of shit Last Airbender movie, or maybe it was them giving Fred their own show. clip of "SpongeBob, You're Fired" It's stupid fucking decision after stupid fucking decision! Do I think that this show is worse than Allen Gregory? Yes, without a doubt. And the general consensus seems to agree with me. Allen Gregory has an IMDb rating of 4.4. Breadwinners has a rating of 2.7. But that really doesn't explain this. On some level, I can understand where Allen Gregory came from; trying to put a Stewie Griffin wannabe in the spotlight. Breadwinners' inception is... hard to interpret. It was based on a YouTube web cartoon. Nick execs saw this and gave the creators 20 full episodes. Now this isn't the first time they've looked to YouTube for new talent. Like I said, they gave Fred his own show. Here's the thing though. Back then, Fred was the number one channel on YouTube. You'd kinda think that someone would pick him up for his own show eventually. This is the pilot video of Breadwinners. Notice something? Yeah, the fucking video doesn't even have a hundred and fifty thousand views! And I took this screenshot last week. So it probably still hasn't passed the mark! Let me... put this in perspective. This is Dusk's Dawn. Remember that? Notice that it has '''two hundred thousand views! You might wanna watch my Dusk's Dawn review because it's going to help us put quite a few things into context. Like the animation! The animation in Breadwinners is some of the worst that I've ever seen. The worst that I have '''ever seen! Dusk's Dawn was better because it didn't rely on stock images that took five seconds to find on Google Images. Ctrl, Alt, Delete was better because I can recognize their humans as humans. These are supposed to be ducks. Really? This is another bird from another cartoon-- Mordecai. Notice anything different? Yeah - their birds don't look remotely like birds! I mean, they could have beaks? Maybe wings? Maybe webbed feet? Or how about something other than minimalist geometric shapes? But besides that, let's look at the pilot and try to see exactly what Nickelodeon saw in this one four and a half minute episode that possessed them to give it a full season. flock of birds are flying around when the rocket van hits them. '''Mr.Enter: '''We're off to a great fucking start, aren't we? Let's start with their sound design. '''SwaySway: Buhdeuce, is it not a beautiful day to deliver bread? Buhdeuce: 'Yep yep! '''Mr.Enter: '''The background music sounds like an 80's arcade game on speed. Repetitive animation and stock images. Alright, so these episodes would be cheap to produce. ''audio from episode plays over a video game sped up. [Caption: You would not believe how fast this gets grating.] 'Mr.Enter: '''Repetitive animation and stock images. Alright, so these episodes are cheap to produce. '''SwaySway: '''So big guy, what's our next stop? ''hits some buttons on the computer keyboard. '''Buhduece: '''8675309 Webster Lane '''Mr.Enter: '''Oh goody, one of their very first jokes in this video is a pop culture reference that kids won't get! Alright, before I should go on, this cartoon short was made to entertain other animators; kinda like how a class clown is trying to entertain the nerd they have a crush on that just ends up embarrassing themselves. So the general plot is that they deliver bread in a flying bus... van... thingamajigger. ... Um... who are you trying to entertain again? Middle school dropouts? Then the small one asks if he can drive the rocket. '''Buhdeuce: '''I wanna drive the rocket van! '''SwaySway: '''Well, you have no have no hand-eye coordination... '''Mr.Enter: ''midst of SwaySway's dialogue'' He's going to say yes. He's going to say yes. He's going to say yes. Swaysway: ..controls. I don't see why not. Oh hey, he said yes! So the first thing he has to do is adjust the... What the fuck...? SwaySway: Step 2: Acquaint yourself with the controls! Buhdeuce: You and me, we're friends now, lever. Mr Enter: Haha, it's the visual representation of a pun. And a terrible pun at that! Question: While you're teaching him all this stuff, who exactly is driving? SwaySway: '''If you wanna drive in a perfectly straight line, all you have to do is this: Up, up, down, down, left, left, right, left, blue, red, blue, red, green. ...or touch absolutely nothing whatsoever. That really seemed to do the trick. Hey, a stock video game explosion that you stole from somewhere on the internet! That'll totally entertain your fellow animators! '''SwaySway: Nope, nope, nope! (Gameplay of the video game, Mappy while the episode is playing.) Oh, sorry about that grating music in the background. I've almost gotten through to the twelfth level of Elevator Action. (Or Mappy, whatever...) So Buhdeuce, the small one, hits the lever with his ass and they go into a nose dive. Buhdeuce: Think we're gonna crash and burn and die in a fiery death? I wish! SwaySway: We can finally have that Zero-G dance party we've always wanted to have! Disco-Ball: Did somebody say "Zero-G Dance Party"!? Wow, we're halfway through an animation that doesn't even crack five minutes and they've already given up writing! Okay, so they're animators, not writers. I love it how they're using simple shapes in Flash! You see, the best thing about Flash is that it allows you to move around complex shapes with minimal time and effort. So you can't get away with using these simple shapes if you're using Flash, or else you look incredibly fucking lazy! Now here's the real kicker - even Dusk's Dawn understood this! Hell, even Johnny Test gets this! So the discoball takes them into a rave where the Yeti thing randomly comes in and attacks them. Despite being completely blown off the fucking thing earlier! They give him bread, he's friendly, and then he completely disappears. So the Rocket Van crashes, and yes, all the explosion effects on this show use stock photos of bread. And these two somehow, and unfortunately, live. What joke do they decide to end the short on? SwaySway: 'Are you Jenny Quackles? *Quack!* '''SwaySway: '''Hope you like toast! (throws the bread at Jenny Quackles, then she devours it.) '''Buhdeuce: '''Jenny does like toast! '''Both: '''P-P-P-P Party PUNCH! Oh and by the way, for every other duck character, they use stock images of ducks. Unless your show has the style, effort and integration that Gumball has, you can't do that! It looks jarring at best, and lazy at worst. And guess what? It looks lazy here! ('Meanwhile at Nick HQ) Chief Executive: Alright, Nick execs, someone emailed this to us saying that "you're such talentless hacks" "You'd probably make a shitty cartoon out of this" and that gave me the perfect idea, let's make a cartoon out of this! Nick Executive: Well, it's got some toilet humor here and there, that's given us tons of ratings in the past! Chief Executive: But we've already got a whole show focused on that. Nick Executive: Well, it doesn't follow a plot. Which is essential because as we all know, kids are too stupid to follow a plot! Chief Executive: But SpongeBob has been taking that place for years. Zeus Cervas: Well, the jokes don't follow incoherence either. I mean, it requires even less intelligence! Nick Executive: But we have Fanboy and Chum Chum for that. Chief Executive: Wait, do we have a show that does all of that at once? No we don't! That settles it. GET THEM ON THE PHONE AND GIVE THEM ALL OUR MONEY! Zeus Cervas: But the animation is terrible. Chief Executive: Seriously, Zeus? When the fuck has animation ever been important to cartoons? Mr Enter: Well how do you think it went down? What I'm trying to say here is that anything that this short did, that would make execs think that it would be a success was already done by the other 2 fucking shows I've reviewed this month. Even following the worst possible logic, what value is there in this short that seems like it would be a good idea? But with the terrible ratings and everyone I've talked to calling it "just awful" it had to be on the fast track for failure, right? (Cuts to a still of a website proving Mr Enter wrong. saying Breadwinners is #1 show for kids 2-11) Mr Enter: (stutters) HOW?! No, someone tell me. Someone just FUCKING tell me. HOW THE FUCK IS THIS POSSIBLE?! It's not possible. Are people, really, this fucking stupid, or am I just going fucking crazy? Maybe I've died, and gone to hell, because this is just what I fucking expect! (cuts to another still saying Nick puts kids first) That's just a pathetic, vile lie that's not even worth laughing at. Yeah insulting their fucking intelligence. Pandering bullshit. Exposing them to infected splinters, driving their favorite characters to suicide, rehashing the most heinous stories ever told. Sanding down any quality that manages to slip through under their watch. Yeah that's really putting kids first. No at best, they only care about the bottom fucking line. And at worst, they're actually fucking malicious! "They put kids first", you couldn't be anymore insulting if you spit in my face after slaughtering my DOG in front of it. Even a cursory look will reveal that BULLSHIT lie for what it is. You are BLIND AND STUPID IF YOU BELIEVE THIS! No, I'm gonna go on. When the dog shits on the carpet, you rub their noses on it, and show them exactly what they did wrong. Sara Bibel, isn't that a fitting name? If ANY of this shit is putting kids first, I'd hate to think how kids are under your care. Nickelodeon is one of the worst fucking companies in existence. Maybe that's because of Viacom, maybe it isn't, I DON'T FUCKING CARE! This honestly makes me feel like what I'm doing is completely in vain. Yeah, I know I'm not going to break through the thick skulls of people like Casey Alexander, but, it's the kind of moment that makes you realize that I've been shouting at a hurricane this whole time. I can yell, and scream, as loud as possible, and it won't make a fucking difference. Nick is gonna keep making these atrocities, and keep making them worse, and considering that this is the shit that people apparently WANT to see, who am I to complain? You'd think something would change by now, but, it's impossible. It's impossible to change anything... (A clipshow of all the bad shows Mr Enter's reviewed.) Old Man: Do you give up? (Clips of Fart Baby) Old Man: Will you abandon their hope? (Clip of Fanboy and Chum Chum) Old Man: Do you not feel their desperation? (Clips of Breadwinners) Old Man: Will evil forever rule the world? (Viacom image) Old Man: HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?! (Call back to the very best Nickelodeon and further through the years of some of the worst it had to offer.) Mr Enter: No, I haven't forgotten. There was a time when Nick had viewership and respect. It's time to show you guys why. Just give me the latest episode of Breadwinners, let's see what improvements they decided to place into this shit. "Love Loaf"? Whatever, let's just do this shit! Maybe for once, someone will hear. Or even better, maybe for once THEY'LL FUCKING LISTEN! (Looking at you, Casey.) Now considering they got their own show, they've got an intro, we might as well take a look at it. Buhdeuce: '''SwaySway! '''SwaySway: Buhdeuce? Buhdeuce: Do a barrel roll, man! Mr Enter: Okay, I think we're done here, lets take a look at the actual episode... Category:Season 2 Category:Transcripts